Have you ever really wanted something in your life, thought about it all the time, maybe even obsessed about it and it just doesn’t seem to happen? Ever been caught up in focusing on what’s missing in a situation and it seems to just be in some kind of endless loop of never getting resolved? Yeah, me either. Riiiiiight.
What if YOU are the thing that is preventing the situation from moving forward? What if all your focus on how you DON’T have what you want, on what’s missing - is the very thing that keeps it from manifesting in your life? Well, that would be upsetting news at first, you might see that as "blame" in some way. Yet, when you understand it's not about self-judgement – it’s GREAT news, because it means YOU have the power to shift the situation yourself. You don’t have to wait for conditions or other people to change! You can create what you want with a shift in your OWN thinking!! WOO HOO!! You've got the power!!!
All this month, I have been reaching for making a shift in my own frequency. Love and appreciation are the aim of what I want to radiate out into the world and in myself. It’s been pretty powerful, and I find that there is still a pretty huge amount of resistance in me. What I say that I want and want to be – I don’t seem to fully believe that it’s possible. Hence… resistance. In a recent Truthbomb from Danielle LaPorte, she kind of summed it up…
When we believe something will happen, that it’s possible, look for the best and believe it’s possible – we will see evidence that it’s on the way, and even if it doesn’t work out exactly as we imagine it, it will work out for the highest good for everyone. Every.Single.Time.
Conversely, when we focus on what’s missing, things that disappoint us, frustrate us, these are all examples of RESISTANCE and resistance prevents what we want from coming to us. As Esther Hicks says… “If you want something & it’s not coming, it’s because you are giving more attention to the absence of it than the presence of it. Every time. No exception.” It’s the old “I want it BUT” routine – I want it, but I don’t believe it can happen. This is classic resistance and it’s what keeps things from happening in the way you desire.
So we have to make a choice, to live in “reality” or what appears to be reality, based on the way we look at life – or to live in POSSIBILITY, which is also totally based on the way we look at life. We are creating our lives simply by how we choose to look at the world. When we are in resistance mode (fear, anger, disappointment, loneliness, lack) we will see more people and situations that back up our view. When we are in allowing mode (love, openness, willingness, eagerness), we will see those same exact people and situations that match THAT view.
Sounds too simple, but, get happy and it will all fall into place. In business this is often referred to in compay mission statements as "assumption of positive intent". Assuming that things are working out for you, focusing on what feels good, trusting, faith, these are all choices & sometimes we find them to be a very difficult choice to make. When what we DON’T want is right in our face, choosing to look in the other direction is challenging. If we can lean toward focusing on love, appreciation, possibility and releasing our resistance that opens us. It seems to me that there are some things we can do to aim ourselves that will help us drop our resistance…
Be present. Looking back is often tricky because while we may perceive that we are looking as what was beautiful about the past, it’s often a mine field that can cause us to then notice what is missing in the now. APPRECIATION for this moment, right now.
Feel your feelings – without judging yourself for feeling them. When they are other than loving, ask them what they want you to know, thank them and tell them “I got this, you can relax now.”
Focus elsewhere. Lighten up and focus on anything that helps you access a feeling of happiness. There are loads of stories out there of people who have had difficult life situations come their way, who made an effort and a choice to focus on anything that makes them laugh, and have turned the situation around. Anything is possible.
What else could this mean? We all look for evidence that our negative thoughts are “real”, true, that we are “right” in what we believe. Do The Work on your negative thought… Is it true? Can you absolutely know it’s true? How Do I react when I think that thought? Who would I be without this thought? THEN!!!! Turn it around… find three examples of the opposite of that original thought.
Fall in love. This is one of the most effective ways to drop resistance. Might be with a pet, a person, yourself, you name it. When we are in love we are an open channel because we use the object of our love as an excuse to see the world the way the Divine sees it.
And another action I have found to be profoundly transformative – seek out friends & situations that bring up my level of positivity. Notice that when we are in resistance that we kind of avoid happy people, they are so annoying! We will find reasons (a.k.a. excuses) to be late for or avoid situations that tend to be more positive or uplifting when we are in resistance or a victim mentality.
It’s great news that your view of the world is totally in your own hands! It makes perfect sense really – if we are made in “the image of” the creator, it only stands to reason that we, ourselves are creators and we are creating our lives with our thoughts – how we choose to view the world.
The shift in perception from fear to love truly is miraculous. In my own life, I have spent a long stretch of time in a lot of fear. (I'm just sayin'... that time is so over. Time to step up in my life and believe in myself again. Check out the bottom half of my Inspiration Page for some added thoughts on this.)
If I consider the times in my life that I have felt the most alive, the most like my true self, the most open – it’s when I have been focused on love and appreciation. Giving it, being it, radiating it, seeing it in others and situations.
When we focus on love and appreciation – we are living in possibility. ANYTHING is possible, it doesn’t matter what the conditions are or what other people are doing or saying. What matters is YOUR energy, YOUR frequency, YOUR willingness, YOUR trust, YOUR anticipation of the best possible outcome for the highest good for all.
You get more of what you focus on – whether you want it or not. Why not go ahead and practice feeling the feelings of having what it is you want? Act as if it’s already here, like a dress rehearsal. BE a match to the frequency of what you want, practice the feeling of having it and the possibilities are endless. It might not look EXACTLY like what you want when it arrives, but it WILL be okay. The timing is all up to you.
Here is a great 15 minute audio of ways to reduce our resistance to what it is we want. We are the only thing in our own way most of the time!
Energy. Everything is energy. Whether we own it or not, we humans ARE energy and we all HAVE creative energy, sexual energy, intellectual energy… everyone has them, it’s just that we don’t all USE them. As the quote at the start of this chat from Brene’ Brown says – if we don’t use our energies – they have to go SOMEwhere. They sneak out is mutated places that they don’t belong because they are a force we cannot stop.
In my life, passion is an important component that has propelled me further than most can imagine. I’ve been drawn to passionate relationships, situations, jobs, hobbies. I’ve been passionate about what I do, my personal growth & people. It was role modeled for me by my parents to be sure – lots of fire in BOTH of them.
Passion has also gotten me into some relationships and situations that weren’t super healthy. That’s because when passion isn’t aimed in a way that is meaningful for us – it can become anger pretty easily. I have mistaken anger for passion many times.
So after a few rounds of living my life with passion (disguised as anger) – I decided it wasn’t good for me. I told my old friend passion to take a hike because I was going to go for sanity! I had made a conscious decision to not be such an angry person way back in Jr. high, and in my late 20’s I made another decision; to reduce the drama in my life.
I meet many super aware people in their 20’s, but I was not one of those! I would make big decisions and then come hell or high water – I was sticking to it. The decision to reduce the drama was one of those times. My brain was in charge and my heart was told to just be quiet and understand that this was better for me. What I didn’t understand is that there is a balance – head and heart working together = wisdom. Either one working on its own = not being whole and fulfilled. And remember, that energy of passion has to go SOMEwhere, even if we choose not to use it.
When you are in a situation like a job or a relationship that has low or limited passion, it’s really tempting to become a chameleon. Blend in, strive to be accepted, fit in. Indeed, this can work for a while and if you are really strong willed – even a long while. Your brain can convince you with thoughts like; "Shouldn't this be enough for me? I mean it's not bad - right?" Or "Most people would love to have this - what's wrong with me that I'm not happy with it?" Or the super co-dependent thought... "Well others have it worse off than me, I should feel lucky."
Yet eventually, that held down passion will blow the lid off the pressure cooker. It will appear in places that don’t move us forward like anger, rage, resentment and other stuff that’s no fun to be in or around.
Above is one of my all-time favorite quotes. The chameleon route has positives for sure. It’s actually great in sales to help built rapport with clients, it can be helpful in many situations. It’s when it becomes the go-to way of being that we can start to lose ourselves.
I have been blaming some externals in my life for my feeling a lack of passion in myself. This is quite simply put… bullshit. The level of passion I decide to invoke is not about who or what is in my life, it’s totally about a choice I must make. Am I going to try and match the energy of my surroundings? Or do I want to be a fierce fire and set my own tone? I get to choose.
If others or conditions aren’t fired up that is not an excuse to say there is no passion in my life. If I am depending on externals or other people to create my happiness or level of passion, I am screwed.
My 30 day challenge to myself to focus on love and appreciation this month has brought along with it some amazing and unexpected added benefits. Simply focusing on being love, being in appreciation and dropping the majority of my expectations, has led to way more clarity about who I am, what I want, & what I won’t settle for. Who knew this was the path to CLARITY!?!?!?
As much as going for JUST the basic things in life like: security, ease, low drama, dollars, respect, accomplishment, esteem, etc… may seem smart to our brains – it’s settling. We can have all these needs met and still feel empty without passion.
But also, going for JUST passion is also to settle. A relationship or career/situation with JUST passion and none of the basics won’t be fulfilling either. We have to integrate our head and our heart.
“We’re either growing or we’re dying” as Tony Robbins says. We ALL want to grow, become more, rise up, move forward. But this is not up to anyone else to give to us. We must give it to ourselves, even when no one else seems to notice or care. It’s not up to my job, my relationships, my conditions to LIGHT my passion. Those things can STOKE the fire, I have to be the one to start it and tend to it.
So, will I be a chameleon or fierce fire? Depends on the day, the situation, my self-awareness. They are both fine things to be. It’s when we fall into a default setting of either or when we judge ourselves for being either one that we miss out on the fullness of our lives.
What frequency do you CHOOSE to emit today? Will it be determined by other people? Conditions? To some extent – yes, because not everyone can meet you where you are. Will you decide for yourself what frequency you want to be on, no matter what? To a large extent – yes!, because we must create our own life based on what we know is true for each of us.
What it all comes down to is how OPEN we decide to be in any given moment, how much love we choose to emit. This decision will be somewhat determined by how open others are with you. How safe it feels. This is simply wisdom. This is what spiritual practice is about.
David Deida puts it like this… “Spiritual practice is the capacity to offer your love, even when you feel hurt, closed down, tense, angry, misunderstood or hated.” It’s coming back to ourselves, loving ourselves and others and choosing the aperture setting on our love and openness… chameleon setting? Fierce Fire? Or somewhere in-between? It's up to you to decide.
I’ve set an intention to focus my energies, my thoughts, my emotions in a way that feels good. The entire month of August, I am tuning up my own frequency to a higher level by bringing myself constantly back around to love and appreciation.
I’ve already seen some HUGE miraculous shifts in just a couple of weeks of choosing to focus in a way that feels good. So what happens when a person or circumstance is trying to pull me off this course? When someone is negative, or if something doesn’t go my way, or my inner critic is on a rampage? These are the times when I get to decide if I will let these conditions pull me down or will I stay committed to how I want to feel. While it’s so tempting to make it about how “wrong” the person or condition is – these times are really lessons and opportunities for me to reconnect with who I want to be and how I want to feel rather than judge, blame, go into victim mentality or succumb to feeling shame from my inner bully.
Coming back into being connected with ourselves; being who we want to be and feeling how we want to feel in these situations when we get tempted to dive into the pool of sharks and surrender to the negativity is certainly not always easy. It takes willingness and loads of practice to stay afloat on top of the water, as well as lots of self-compassion in those times when you do take that dive into the depths.
If you get yourself centered and are feeling positive, happy, enthusiastic, appreciative, or hopeful - whenever we interact with others who are maybe angry, depressed, negative, blaming, or jealous; we are going to have a decision to make; either they will be pulled up toward your higher frequency, or we will be pulled lower into theirs. Whomever is most invested in their current frequency, will pull the other person in.
The decision we all must make, thousands of times per day is to answer this question: "How do I WANT to feel?" It’s not about the other person, the condition or the inner critic – it’s about making this choice and then not letting the fierce winds of negativity, externals; including other people’s stuff, blow us off course. If you're not sure what to aim at in your feelings, consider something I read this week by Fr. Richard Rohr... "Love is what you were made for and love is who you are. When you live outside of Love, you are not living from your true Being or with full consciousness. "
Being true to ourselves, standing in our own light, is one of the most transformative and rewarding things we can do - not only for ourselves, but for everyone we come in contact with. Yet, this is a very challenging journey for sure. When we take full responsibility for ourselves and give up the idea that anyone else or anything is responsible for how we feel – this is true freedom and empowerment.
And it’s not about being there all the time. When you can hold this place just 51% of the time, not only will your whole life change, you will also become a beacon of inspiration for others. What I’m talking about is not "feeling good" 51% of the time – as my therapist Joy tells me, feeling good is not the indicator. It’s about having awareness, acceptance and practicing 51% of the time.
So what would you need to focus on today to rise up and feel the way you WANT to feel? Two heavy hitters that will move you there the fastest are LOVE and APPRECIATION. These are powerful forces that when you “open the valve” on them, they can amp up our frequency and help life look a whole lot different than if we let the negative pull have its way with us.
When I attended Date With Destiny with Tony Robbins, he reminded me of the story of the Ho’oponopono prayer you see above. Tony said that even if we shorten it down to simply saying: “I love you, thank you” (love and appreciation) the transformative effects of this simple mantra are amazing. When you are confronted with something challenging, either a person or a circumstance, try repeating it mentally several times. It’s calming and helps to get you centered in yourself again.
Another great insight I heard my friend’s very wise daughter remind me of recently is to simply set an intention. This is especially helpful when we are pretty sure there is going to be a big opportunity in an interaction that could bring up stress or dealing with someone who tends to be angry, depressed, or any lower frequency. What do you want most in this interaction? To love the other person? To stay in a loving space yourself? Or to be "right"? To win? To point out your or their failings according to you? Those would all be based in FEAR.
Give these tools of the silent mantra or setting an intention a try this week and let me know what you notice. And remember, just 51% of the time is all we’re after. That is enough to change your frequency, and your life. Making the choice between love or fear is how we create our lives.
Dorothy Pays A Visit
I’ve long held that butterflies are my mom trying to connect with me. This past week I had an amazing visit!!! This beauty was not moving much at first, so I brought her in the house to warm her up. That must have been what she wanted. She started climbing up my arm, then to my chest, onto my neck then on top of my head! It was so incredible! After some time of doing this, she got her swerve on and was ready to fly. I released her out the back door and she flew up into the tree. Wowzer… the meanings are endless on this one!
O.K… as someone who can tend to be a "high functioning codependent", when someone I care about is angry or blaming towards me, it is brutally hard to keep loving myself. Damn near impossible sometimes actually. I sometimes take on guilt that doesn’t belong to me when someone I love seems distant, or is frustrated/angry with me. I tend to want to fix it both for the other person and for myself and can abandon myself in the attempts to get things back in order for the other person.
Men tend to base more of their self-worth on accomplishments, while women often times base a great deal of their self-worth on the quality of their relationships. So when relationships seem to be at in impasse that continues to flare anger, blame, guilt in one or both parties, it can become a very heavy emotional weight. What can happen is we are often trying to fill an emotional bottomless pit that exists due to not feeling whole and loved. It's not the need to be loved that causes the issues. It's the inability to love ourselves that causes the dysfunction.
Being blamed, doing the blaming - either way, it can feel pretty awful. It triggers a wide range of reactions… from anger and biting back, to withdrawing and trying to walk on egg shells to make things okay for the other person. One of the reasons blame feels so crappy is because we feel unseen, unheard and misunderstood. It hurts when someone we care about seems to believe that our intentions are to hurt them, when that wasn't our intention at all, we're typically just doing the best we can. We take on the other person’s experience and take responsibility for it, even though taking that on won't help them. And if we attempt to explain or defend or be understood by the person sending blame our way, it typically makes things worse.... have you noticed?
Dr. Margaret Paul offers some great advice on the feeling of being blamed. She says that we confuse the difference between responsibility and blame. Blaming is about avoiding our own responsibility for our actions, then blaming the target for our own bad behavior. It's the adult version of being a "bully".
What would happen in partnerships or families if everyone accepted that they are responsible for their own behavior and choices and didn't blame? What if there is actually NO ONE TO BLAME? What if we each chose to open to learning about our own responsibility in any conflict situation without blaming either ourselves or someone else??? What if we really demonstrated that our happiness is our own responsibility and not dependent on circumstances or other people? I'm setting out on a personal challenge to try and prove this to be possible.
Everyone gets to do things however they choose in this life. For me, that self-righteous spike of anger and blame can sometimes be what I need to move myself up the emotional scale. And it tastes SOOOO good for a moment! That's because it is a better place to be than in depression – where we feel powerless. It is always easier to feel anger than guilt. BUT! When I make someone else the reason for my feelings – I have just given them my power. Helloooooo victim Sandy!!! Here's the thing, I am an adult and as an adult, I really don't have to explain or justify myself to anyone. And get this... I don't even need to have anyone understand me - not even the person who is blaming me. YIKES! That's a new awakening! Try that on for size! Often trying to be understood by someone who is angry with you doesn't go well any way. Unless they are open to learning, it typically just makes things more tense.
I have also felt myself on the receiving end of the blame game, especially in recent months. I am super tempted to buy into the story line and feel like total crap when someone I love tells me that I am the cause of all their pain and all the problems that seem to come up between us. BUT! If I buy into this story of them giving me all the power in their experience – I have once AGAIN jumped into victim mentality. I am a victim of their blame, and that is total crap on my part (and theirs, BTW).
When we feel wounded, we love to blame. When we feel blamed, we feel inferior. But in either case, we have put ourselves at the mercy of the person we are blaming and are either taking no responsibility for our own experience or we are taking responsibility that doesn’t even belong to us.
The person who's blaming me is feeling hurt, powerless, so they aim their blame me, then I get hurt and I blame them OR! I take on the blame and feel guilty. It becomes a crazy 8*... mad, then guilty, mad, then guilty in a continuous loop. (* See the end of this chat for more info on the Tony Robbins Crazy 8 theory) I am just doing the same exact thing I am accusing the other person of!!! It’s not moving me forward and not emotionally or physically healthy.
I'm a firm believer that when something feels negative emotionally, it's because I am choosing not to see the love in the situation. I am choosing fear. I'm not seeing things from the perspective the Divine sees it from. When we feel anger, frustration, resentment, blame...the other person isn't "wrong", and neither am I. We're just both hurting. We are choosing to see the other person or the situation in a way that is counter to how the Universe sees it and that results in emotional pain.
Somebody in this dance needs to evolve and Since I’m the one with the awareness – that means it’s ME who needs to go first. I’ve decided that I’ve GOT to find a better way. I’m calling bullshit on MYSELF and taking my power back, in-house.
In the midst of being blamed or shamed, have you noticed? Your words don't work. Both parties either get more defensive, or beat down with guilt, and you stay stuck on the roller coaster of the crazy 8. So for me, here is what I’m going to do, I'm going to change my own frequency. I'm going to amp up my love, appreciation and my own alignment with my higher power. Lovingly disengage and work on sending loving-kindness to the blamer via my energy and frequency rather than defending or going into guilt.
I am going to spend 30 days up-leveling my own “frequency”. I am going to raise my own standard and my own energy vibration with some super simple daily actions. These actions are a combo of research done by happiness studies done by Shawn Achor, Tony Robbins and also some basics from Abraham-Hicks plus my own knowing what works for me... feel free to join me!
My aim is to focus as much as possible on things that feel good. When I’m feeling blamed by someone, taking on guilt and blaming myself, or if I feel like blaming someone else, I will distract myself with something that feels good like this list above. I'm going to cue up my vibe and my energy closer to the level I have grown to. The end result will be that my frequency will rise to more of a place that is in alignment with who I really am now, and my happiness center of gravity will rise to a more natural and current level. To do this I will have to re-frame the meanings on some things and these activities above will help me to move in that direction.
I'm going to do my best to look PAST the junk anyone blaming me is throwing out there and remember that it's just a discharge of pain. It's just like the example of Jesus, looking past the labels and outward appearances of people and just focus in on the light of them. At the same time, I won't subject myself to the blame and accusations when they come. I will lovingly disengage out of love and compassion for myself as well.
The note on my calendar in front of me today says “Growth is never about focusing on someone else’s lessons, but only on our own." Blame is focusing on someone else’s lesson. I have way too many of my own to embrace, and I’m going to focus on them and see what unfolds. Come along and let’s see where it leads us!
The Crazy 8 Details - can you see your self or your relationship in this?
* The Crazy Eight is a concept from Tony Robbins Strategic Intervention training. It describes what we often tend to do when we feel life is not a match to our own "blue print" of what it should be and feels like it is not in our own control. The emotional states of sadness and anger can tend to loop continuously as we try to convince ourselves we are regaining control, but we aren't. We do this in an attempt to meet a need and to connect with ourselves. It's a terribly painful way to live, I can attest to that!! And many, many relationships have this pattern. Tony explains that unless we find a completely new emotional state we swing continually between the two, which he calls the crazy 8.
Sadness/depression/victim mentality is at one end of the loop. Here we withdraw, feeling sorry and helpless for ourselves. We attempt to exert some control through disconnecting and being in a low mood. We are fed up, life is unfair and we see people and experiences through dark glasses. This produces a very low energy state in the body. Feelings on this side of the 8 include guilt, depression, isolation, hurt, shutting down, and feeling rejected.
At the other end of the loop is the energy state of anger and blame. Fueled by adrenaline we feel more in our power and a higher state of energy in the body. We make someone or something the villain. Common feelings as we sling to this side of the loops include: anger, frustration, blame, resentment.
When we refuse to take responsibility for our own choices of feeling states, we can stay looping around this bad boy our entire lives. It's a self defeating cycle that can happen often in relationships if we don't wake the hell up. When you understand why you are angry or sad, within yourself rather than blaming, you can take responsibility for the real need you are not meeting. Remember, it is always easier to feel angry or sad because it gives you instant connection with yourself. If we are willing to dig deeper and connect with ourselves in a more emotionally mature, intelligent way - our relationships with ourselves and others improve. The crazy 8 is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. Some of the quickest ways to change our meaning on things is to change our physical state (body posture, movement, etc), change our language, and change our focus. The quote from Tony below is a really amazing way to get off the crazy 8 loop!!!
Need a little playlist to help you reach for a higher frequency?
Sandy Edie Hansen
I use this space to "Chat" about things I am working through and learning in my life currently. Join me!