Do you have destination addiction? Most of us humans have at least a bit of it. Here is a definition by Robert Holden PhD… “A preoccupation with the idea that happiness is the next place, the next job, being with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.” It’s thinking that as soon as “X” happens, THEN I’ll be happy.
Another term for this is Conditional Living. Waiting for alllllll the conditions to be just right – THEN, I will show up and give my all, be happy, be my best self.
This can be summed up with one word. Resistance. By always waiting for things to be different than they are in this moment in order to be happy or to fully show up in life and in relationships – we are resisting and what we resist… persists. Focusing on what’s missing, the problem, not working, is a form of resistance. Resistance to the current conditions, or what IS.
By thinking we need conditions to change in order to be happy or fully participate in life and relationships, we cause ourselves a ton of pain because those conditions are outside ourselves – out of our control. So this then puts us in the role of the victim.
Consider this example… if a couple or one person in the relationship won’t admit they have a problem – how likely do you think they are to seek counseling and get solutions? Not very. Acceptance is the doorway to the solution. Once the couple accepts that a problem exists, they are more likely to seek help. When they resist, the problems persist.
Maybe you’ve heard the saying “bloom where you’re planted”? No matter what the conditions, we can choose to fully bloom and be our best selves. The anti-dote to destination addiction is to simply be present. Be. Here. Now. Not waiting for the stars to align and THEN I can be fully in the game.
Little kids do this instinctively - they are in the now. Dogs are MASTERS at this! You leave the house for 15 seconds and come back, they are just as excited to see you as if you had been gone for days. They are in the moment. No thinking about how they don’t forgive themselves or staying in the past and also no fear by thinking about the future.
This is also known as Mindfulness. Being aware of what is happening now, without wishing it were different. Enjoying what is, without holding on when it changes – which it will.
You see, here is the key to living in the Holy space between what is and what you want… it’s not the circumstances that create joy. It’s you. YOU create your joy. Deciding how you want to feel in the time between what is right now and what you desire, that’s being a creator. It’s what I call ACTING AS IF.
In order for happiness to arrive, you have to PRACTICE the feelings of having it before it gets here. It’s like a dress rehearsal I guess. You practice feeling the feelings you will have when what you desire arrives. Then there is nothing that can stop it from coming. Its belief combined with appreciation IN ADVANCE of the conditions.
The fastest way to become present and in the now is appreciation. When we are appreciating, we are allowing instead of resisting. When we are present guess what it communicates?… LOVE. And it works in reverse as well. When we feel full of love we are automatically present in the moment.
Neale Donald Walsh says that “Appreciation in advance is the most powerful creative force in the Universe.” It’s loving your now and being eager for more. Being appreciative before you see evidence that you can feel happy.
So, we often seem to think we must wait for things to be just right before we can feel appreciation for those things. We don’t have to be at the whim of the inconsistency of outside conditions in order to be who we want to be and feel how we want to feel.
If you want a relationship with someone, and you are waiting till everything meets certain conditions to show up and be your best self in that relationship… you’re going to be waiting a very long time. Being present and in the moment, going ahead and being your own best version of you isn't just for that other person - it's for YOU. And by the way... when you aren't present and showing up, you are blowing your chance of having a relationship right now with that person. Period.
If you need conditions to be different for you to be happy, feel good, show up, be your best… it won’t be sustainable even when those conditions are met. It will be temporary because the instant those conditions are not present, you will go back to waiting for everything to line up. We must be who we are, who we WANT to be, even without the perfect conditions if we hope to have any chance for happiness.
You cannot control conditions. So, if you wait for conditions in order to be happy, be who you say want to be, feel what you say you want to feel – you’re in resistance, & you’re screwed.
No one and nothing outside you is responsible for how you feel. This is GREAT news!!! This is empowerment!!! You don’t have to wait for anyone or anything to determine your experience. YOU get to do that, ALL of it! It’s no one else’s’ job to make things okay for you AND! It’s not your job to make it okay for anyone else. WOOO HOOOO!!!
More great news… the better you feel, the more you ALLOW. When you feel good, you drop your resistance, you let the good stuff in. Conditions don’t cause any of this. It’s a choice. And it’s all yours.
So, why waste any more time waiting for happiness to arrive via some conditions? Why not fill that space between where you are now and where you desire to be with appreciation, love, feel the feelings of having what you desire and being present in this moment. I figure, even if it doesn’t work… it feels a hell of a lot better than suffering and waiting for it to arrive. Fill that space between with how you will feel when the conditions arrive. Act as if baby!
Sandy Edie Hansen
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