Power vs. EMpowerment

      As always, I write here about the things I am learning myself. My fabulous counselor, Joy, said to me a few months ago something along the lines of, “When you become more empowered, everything will fall into place”.
     This held out enough hope that I thought it might be a really good thing for me to understand what the heck empowerment actually is!!!
      I’ve done some digging and here is a definition that seems to make a lot of sense…

• Powerful assumes the right to control others. Power comes from fear.
• Empowerment assumes no such right, but recognizes complete responsibility for self and the choices made. Empowerment comes from LOVE.

     To funnel that all down even further, for me, personal empowerment means to create your own experience.
It’s about taking responsibility for:

• Your own feelings
• Your own reactions
• The meanings you put on things
• The conditions of your life, your experience
• And limiting your blame of others and conditions for how you feel. 

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     There is a great little book called “The 100/0 Principle". Ed May Jr. gave this book to our entire KMA staff last Christmas. The subtitle says “the secret of great relationships”. The basic idea is that you give 100% to your relationship and expect zero in return. You don’t allow anything the other person says or does affect you – you don’t take the bait, and be persistent in doing this.

     In thinking about personal empowerment, I think this 100/0 principle is also one to be applied to ourselves. Give 100% to our own growth, compassion, willingness to be open and loving. Be 100% responsible for creating how we feel and expect 0% of how you feel to be a result of what others say or do.
     Here’s another way of looking at it… let’s say you seem to keep attracting people into your life who are rude in some way. It’s like everywhere you turn, people are rude. At work, at the drive-thru window, in traffic. The question isn’t “what is with people these days! Everyone is so dang rude!”. The real question is “what is the constant in all these situations?” It’s YOU!

     Now, I don’t encourage people to blame themselves, but I DO encourage people to examine what THEIR role is in a recurring situation. It could be that you are simply giving a ton of attention to rudeness or what you see as “wrong”. It could be that YOU yourself are not being loving and thoughtful – self-absorbed perhaps, and you are projecting what appears as rudeness as a result. When you focus on personal empowerment, you lessen your feeling of being controlled by circumstance, by other people’s behavior, by things outside yourself. You look WITHIN for the answer to why you feel what you feel.

     When we blame others or conditions in our lives for how we feel, we become victims and that just never feels good. It takes you away from yourself. Dr. Margaret Paul who teaches a practice called “Inner Bonding” says that when we make others responsible for our feelings we are actually abandoning ourselves and this abandonment leads to all kinds of suffering for ourselves.
     Consider this Abraham-Hicks explanation of why personal empowerment is the only sensible way to live; if we make someone else responsible for how we feel – there is no human being on earth that can make you the focus of their attention 24/7. They are going to LET YOU DOWN if you make them responsible for how YOU feel! Period!!!
     Let everyone else off the hook! Here are some super simple steps to moving in an empowered direction for yourself:

1. Personal empowerment starts with a decision. A decision of how you WANT to feel.
2. Choose a word or two that describe how you want to feel.
3. What is one teeny tiny baby step you could take to move in the direction of that feeling? It might be what you choose to wear today, or the route you drive to work, or what you say to your kids as you great them after school. Any small step will do the trick!

     You don’t need to attempt to leap from suffering to complete and total joy in one step. Aren’t you glad?!?!? A 2% shift from where you are toward where you WANT to be is all it takes. You don’t bridge the whole gap in a day. This is the part that tends to make me a little cra-cra. I want to decide and BOOM! It’s done. Personal growth can work that way, but most often it’s a much slower ride.

     For me, a small step I am taking this week is about my wedding ring. My marriage is going through some changes to say the least. About a year ago, I took off my wedding ring, although we are still married. It was a symbolic act for me, establishing my connection with myself after years of abandoning myself on many levels.
     I’ve decided to use it as another symbol in where I am in my relationship right now. Rather than removing it, I plan to wear it on my left index finger to symbolize that the relationship still has value, no matter what it’s outcome, I still honor it. Love doesn’t end. It CAN change form.

     What will you do this week to take a step in the direction of personal empowerment? Tell me in the comments below!
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XOXOXOXOXO
Sandy