Unconditional love. We probably all desire it, think that we give it, if we’re lucky we’ve received it at some point. It just might be the whole point of why we are all here. To find our way back to the pure love we all started out being and giving, and clear out all the crud that causes us to forget who we really are. It seems to me that unconditional love requires us to have non-attachment. Letting go of outcomes, expectations, judgments, and our tight grip on how we ourselves and others “should” behave. It requires a decluttering of our beliefs about how others ought to be living, thinking, feeling and wanting out own way so that we can live free and open. Conditional love is when we think “If you will change your behavior or the conditions are just right, I will feel better and THEN I will fully show up in this relationship. THEN I will give you love. By doing this, we are actually making the other person or a condition responsible for how we feel. Quite simply… this never works out well because it means we have given our power over to someone or something who we have no control over. Those of us (oh yes, me included) with codependent tendencies or patterns tend to be conditional. We think we need to manage and control the conditions of how others experience us, what they do, what they feel and think, and THEN we will be happy, safe, “normal” (whatever that is). If it sounds exhausting, it is. Trying to manage conditions or how other people think and feel is endless, because it's an impossibility. As Esther Hicks says, “Never ask another for behavioral changes as your basis for an improved emotion or perspective. It won’t work.” To love conditionally is to be in resistance and resistance is all about fear. If we wait for conditions to give or receive love, we’ll be waiting a very long time. Instead, if we tune into the frequency of being love, without the requirement of certain conditions we have deemed required for us to show up and stand fully in our light, we aren’t only short changing those we care about – more than anything we are robbing ourselves of our purpose, our passion, and living fully. We dis-empower ourselves and give all the power to other people and conditions, a.k.a. being a victim. Now, let’s clarify early on, does this mean we let people run roughshod over us and our emotions in order to love unconditionally?? Um…. NO! If you are on the receiving end of blaming, shaming, someone requiring you to change in order for THEM to be happy and "all in", this is an indicator that it’s time to look at the health of your own boundaries. When we allow others to take advantage of us or control us through shaming or blaming, our boundaries need some updating and review. It may also mean we need to love this person from a distance, without blame or judgement - just boundaries. You CAN love someone unconditionally, and to do this you will need healthy boundaries to protect your wide open heart. Without boundaries, we cannot love unconditionally. Dr. Brene’ Brown found in her research that the most compassionate people are also the most boundaried. They take care of themselves and protect their heart so they can keep it open. They know where their responsibilities begin and end. What belongs to them emotionally and what belongs to the other person. Boundaries aren't for the other person. They are for ourselves. They are a function of self-respect and self-love. Boundaries are about being responsive - not reactive, and are grounded in self-responsibility as well as self-compassion. Boundaries are NOT about control of another person. That's called an ultimatum and those are reactive and blames the other person for our own lack of boundaries. Once again, not taking care of our OWN side of the street when we blame or issue ultimatums. When we lack healthy boundaries, we will tend to abandon ourselves with things like blame, judgment, getting angry, seeking approval, people pleasing, and jealousy. When you abandon yourself – you make your partner responsible for you and your feelings. Not cool. Also not possible. Why would you put the power of your happiness in someone else's hands? This, in my opinion, is a big stumbling block in many relationships. When we are truly focusing on our OWN growth – we aren’t blaming, shaming, attempting to control another person. When we do this it is a clue that we are out of our own business and avoiding looking at our own side of the street and avoiding working on our OWN growth by focusing on the indiscretions of the other person and how they are causing our suffering. When your locus of control is other people, you are easy to manipulate. I admit, I too am a blamer at times. As my therapist Joy says "Blame is a place that creates permission to not do any of the work to get better. It's passing the monkey to the other person and saying - 'it's not my fault, so you do something about it.'" For a great short (three and half minutes) video on blame with Brene' Brown click here - it's worth the 3 minute investment. Blame is simply the discharge of pain and discomfort and it is a relationship killer. To have a shot at giving and receiving unconditional love, it appears to me we have to apply the same things that my counselor Joy says are hallmarks of recovering from codependency:
Our relationship with OURSELVES is played out in our relationships with others. So let’s say that someone I care about seems to make their love for me conditional on my behavior. What that person is showing me is how they feel about themselves. That unless they check all the boxes that they have deemed necessary to be “okay” they can’t love THEMSELVES. I can tell you that knowing this intellectually does NOT make it any less painful when someone withholds their love from you unless you live your life a way they have deemed best for them – but it CAN help you learn from it and notice what you need to do to love yourself no matter what. When someone makes their love conditional, we have a choice... we can feel guilt, fear, believe we need to change to meet their conditions, get angry, blame, pout - all are reactions and all are based in fear and low self-love. Plan B anyone??? We can choose to RESPOND, take a moment, take a breath, and see what this is here to teach us about OURSELVES. If someone important to me makes their love conditional, I might want to ask myself where my love for MYSELF is conditional. Is it when I lose the weight? When I make the money? When I pay off all my debt? When I get better clothes? Am I making my love and acceptance for myself conditional? What is this person here in my experience to show me about myself? Yes, they are showing you how they love themselves, and if they are in your life - there's a good chance your frequencies are a match on some level. What can I learn and understand about the other person and most importantly about myself in this condition? To the degree that we love ourselves, right where we are - no matter what the conditions of our bodies, our life, our relationships - is the same degree we love other people. When you are willing to love yourself unconditionally, you will let everyone else off the hook for your happiness. You love because it's what you are. XOXOXOXO Sandy
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What do you focus on most often with your mind throughout the day? I mean, our minds are constantly working and processing – do you actually notice what the themes are of your mental focus? If you don’t know, don’t feel bad. Most people live their entire lives with unquestioned thoughts, beliefs, stories and meanings running their lives. To actually stop and question our thoughts takes consciousness and unfortunately, most of us are not in the driver’s seat on our mental focus. As Tony Robbins says – the mind’s job is not to make you happy, it’s to keep you safe. And in the absence of information, our minds make up stories to fill in the blanks, and truth is not what the brain is about. It’s about protection. This is really handy in many situations when there is actual danger or threat, but the problem is that this survival thinking is what is running the show all the time for most of us – even when there is no threat. We are letting our brain drag us around emotionally rather than CHOOSING how we want to FEEL. If you are over the age of say five or so, you have some patterns of thought burned in your brain that are the go-to that it uses. These patterns may have been cemented into place during challenging times, from hearing those who raised you repeat them or just through repeating them over and over yourself. You may have a story that plays out in your life that you are completely unconscious to. “I don’t have enough money”, “Nobody loves me”, “Life is hard”, “I’m not very good at X” and the list can be long. I’ve been doing some serious research on the topic of codependency. Basically because I have some pretty strong patterns of it that tend to run my life sometimes. Some synonyms for this are: attached, dependent upon, and my favorite… HOOKED. It’s very much about your relationship with others, but it is also very much about your relationship with yourself. Most definitions list it as being “other-focused” in some way. We let other people’s behavior affect us and we become focused on controlling that person’s behavior. This all stems from a deeper root though I feel - our relationship with ourselves and what we focus on. Things we codependent types have difficulty with are things like self-esteem, setting healthy boundaries, we get uber focused on the behavior of others and avoid dealing with our own junk. All topics I have written several of these chats about! These things may not show up in all our relationships, just certain ones, or they may be in all our dealings with others. Other characteristics are things like care taking, rescuing others, repression of expressing your authentic self (fear of not being accepted), people pleasing, being controlling, poor communication, sarcasm that belittles others, anger, blaming others for how we feel, thinking we’re responsible for how other people feel. My theory is that we ALL have these patterns within us. The question is, am I going to let it run my life on auto-pilot? So in my research on the codependency pattern, here is what I think is at the root of it all… a focus on FEAR and LACK. Fear of not being enough, fear of upsetting others, and feeling responsible for their reactions and experience – fearing they will withdraw their love for us (lack), depending on others for validation that we’re okay enough because we don’t know the truth about ourselves – that we are all 100% enough. At its roots it’s a lack of self, fear of not being enough. If you have a codependency pattern running your brain – these roots are going to show in your relationships and it won't fullfilling. Codependent patterns also seem to me to be about being conditional. You need certain conditions to be in place in order for you to choose to feel okay. When other people are a certain way, THEN we can feel safe and ok. But the problem with this conditional approach is that it’s never sustainable. If we need conditions to line up just so in order to show up and be okay with ourselves, we’re screwed. Because conditions are unpredictable, never static and out of our control. Additionally, external events don’t dim good solid self-esteem. If our self-acceptance is intact, conditions don’t determine our mindset and beliefs about ourselves. We all have some degree of patterns that we are in other people’s business. This is very often simply in an attempt to not deal with our own business. If I’m giving out advice that’s unsolicited, I’m out of my lane, in someone else’s’ business – where I have no business. If I'm worried about what others think of me, I'm in someone else's business. A place where I have absolutely zero control, which means I'm setting myself up for suffering. So what’s the antidote for being “hooked” a.k.a. our codependent patterns? Here’s what I am coming to believe it is… what we choose to focus on and being present. As I said earlier, the roots of this pattern are in FEAR and LACK. The opposite of fear and lack is LOVE and APPRECIATION. To steer our focus, we must be present. If we don’t aim our mind, it will default to lack and fear. If we can make a conscious choice to aim our mental focus at love and appreciation, it overrides the roots of codependency because you can’t focus on love and fear at the same time – impossible. An undirected mind goes into survival mode, and remember, your brains job is not to make you happy – it’s to keep you alive. When we let the mind run on auto-pilot with patterns we have accumulated through our lives, we end up with a lot of stress and anxiety and most people live this way because it takes some effort and commitment to override the patterns. When you notice you're dimming yourself to attempt to control the reaction of another person, or if you notice you are feeling responsible for a fellow adult who is just as capable as you are to have their own experience, realize that your roots of fear and lack are showing. Time for a root job! Just notice, take a breath and remember what you WANT to aim your focus at – LOVE and APPRECIATION. Unhook from trying to control the other person, their feelings, their reactions, and just LOVE them. Your relationship with YOURSELF is what you are getting a clue about, not about the other person you are focusing on in that moment. See past your pattern, and focus on your light. Remember, being hooked is a pattern, not who you ARE. Please don’t misunderstand self-acceptance to mean you just disregard other people. It means you accept yourself AND others, exactly as they are. Without trying to manipulate, control, cajole them into being anything else. You know... like unconditional love??? It’s dropping your resistance to what is, because at its core resistance is also fear. So here are my antidotes to codependent patterns:
These antidotes to our hooked mental patterns sound really simple and they are. They just aren't easy, because it takes willingness and moment by moment choice to create these new healthier patterns. As you slip from your focus – and you will, often, remind yourself you are exactly where you need to be… you’re on your way. XOXOXOXO Sandy Have you ever thought “Maybe I’ll just run away and join the circus and escape all this crud going on in my life”? It can sound pretty appealing some days, to just walk away from our troubles, people who trigger us, that feeling that it’s the Groundhog Day movie stuck in a loop. I had a wise mentor early in my life who used to say quite often… “No matter where ya go, there ya are.” It turns out this quip is very, very true. That unless we take a look internally at the patterns, the hurt, the circumstances, the relationship issues in our lives – even if we change locations, we WILL repeat them at the next stop on the path. The only thing is, they will usually get BIGGER if we ignore or suppress them by pretending they don’t exist or by blaming someone for our hurt. Different places, different faces, but the constant is you and your unhealed stuff. Unpacking our own emotional baggage is something that takes a great deal of courage because it requires that you get vulnerable enough to become curious about YOURSELF. To lay down your heavy bag of blame, anger, suffering, sadness and instead use your emotional muscle to pry open the box you have the root cause of your pain stored in – many will turn back and unfortunately miss the opportunity and the gift that unpacking your emotional junk contains. What I’m talking about here is NOT going back over your childhood, dredging up painful memories of hurtful times. YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON ANY MORE. What I’m talking about is getting CURIOUS in your NOW whenever you feel anything other than positive emotion. Negative emotions are cues to pay attention and dig in a little. To ask some questions of yourself. Let’s say I wake up one morning super irritated. Everything and everyone is really getting on my nerves and I feel edgy, angry, ready for a fight. Hypothetical, of course. Now, if I am unconscious, I will go into blame. Someone else is responsible for how I’m feeling, they should do this, they shouldn’t do that. If they just wouldn’t. If they just would. This is a very typical REACTION in this kind of feeling. REACTIONS are mostly unconscious ways of dealing with things. Conversely, if I choose to tap into being conscious, I would RESPOND, slowing down and I will start to ask MYSELF some questions about me and what I'm feeling. My counselor Joy suggests starting with “Is everything okay with my body? Is my exercise regimen on track? Do I feel well? Did I eat something I don’t normally eat?” Check in physically for some clues as to why your emotions are not positive. Then next up she says ask yourself “Is there anywhere in my life where I am out of integrity with myself? Not living my truth? Saying yes when I want to say no? Not living my beliefs?” Unpacking our less than positive feelings is all about getting CURIOUS. Not judging ourselves for how we feel, just questioning what is behind it so we can take it out, shine our light on it, and let it GO! What we THINK is easier is to stay focused on blame or feeling sorry for ourselves by being in a victim mentality or just hiding – running away and joining the circus. All this does is prolong our healing and gaining wisdom from the situation. So sure, you can run, you can distance yourself from that person who triggers you, often that is very necessary. AND after you do that – THAT’S when the real work begins. That’s when you have to unpack that 50 lb. duffel bag of emotional junk you are dragging around – that is, unless you want to repeat the lesson you just had the opportunity to learn with that person you distanced yourself from. This is why I believe so many second and third marriages end in divorce… when we don’t take the opportunity to learn about OURSELVES and the story or meanings we tell ourselves in our relationships – we usually just stay in repeat by blaming the other person, denying our part in things or staying in anger or victim mentality. Sometimes we are so asleep in our lives that we aren’t even aware of our negative emotions. It has become a habit to be irritated, frustrated, sad, guilty and we no longer even register that we have dimmed our own light. “What is this here to teach me?” This person, this situation, this diagnosis, etc… Or “Is what I am thinking about this situation true?” Those are the RESPONSES that will lead you to wisdom, to healing, to an open heart. As soon as you get the lesson, you get to move on. Responses, unlike reactions, take thought and willingness to slow down and get curious rather than defend, close down or blame. We all get to choose. Choose to stay chained to our unquestioned patterns and emotions or to have the willingness to get curious about how we feel and the story behind those feelings. Healing happens when those stories are no longer in the driver’s seat of our lives. People who trigger us – no doubt, when we are around them our old pattern will come right back up to the surface if we don’t work on our stuff when they aren’t around. In her book Concious Uncoupling Kathrine Woodward Thomas lists as the three biggest mistakes in a relationship breakup as having to do with not looking at or owning our own story... Mistake #3: "Buying into the myth that time heals all wounds. It's not time that heals you, it's YOU. If you broke your leg, you wouldn't just leave it to time to heal it - you'd use tools to help it heal so you didn't limp the rest of your life! You have to be proactive in healing your heart." Mistake #2: "Not owning your own sh@#. Blaming either the other person or ourselves. Blame stunts growth because it victimizes ourselves." See past Sandy Chat's for more on this topic!! If the only rule in your relationships was that you both agreed to own your own emotional stuff - your whole life would change. I guarantee it. Mistake #1: The biggest mistake Thomas lists in leaving a relationship: "In an attempt to detach from someone we love, we start hating them." Again, this adds up to avoidance of ourselves by focusing on the transgressions of the other person. Often we replace the negative bond of love with a bond of hatred or blame - this is actually keeping the connection alive with the other person, just in a negative way that hurts US through it's toxic thoughts and words that we carry. Not the other person. You don' have to hate someone to end a relationship with them, amazing idea, huh. Look closely and you'll see that all three of these biggest mistakes we make in ending relationships are attempts to avoid looking within and you can certainly choose these routes, and many do. But if you are hoping to find love and happiness - these routes will not lead you there. These are routes that lead to repeat of the same story line with new cast members. As Brene’ Brown says, when we get to our own truth we then have the opportunity to write our own ending to the storyline we have going. There’s a saying that says “Don’t judge me by the chapter of my story you walked in on.” While I’m guessing this was intended to say don’t judge me based on the info you have about me, you have no idea what brought me to this place. I think we need to apply this to ourselves. Don’t judge YOURSELF for the chapter of your story you are in. Choose what comes next in the story of you by getting curious and focusing on what you want. You can even wear a cape if you like! – heck, it’s your story, write it the way you want it to go! XOXOXOXOX Sandy Want to listen to more on this topic? The Double XX Factor show on KMA is a three minute burst of inspiration that you can listen to any time! Click here for the latest from Spencer Williams and myself and what we are learning on our path as we continue to open up places in our lives and clear out the clutter! In last week's Sandy Chat we talked about deluttering our lives. This week let's look at something very specific that we need to clean up and get rid of in that process...Worry. It’s so interesting how we sort of see worry as a sign of love isn’t it? When someone we love, or we ourselves, come up against a challenge we often times leave the present moment and fast forward into to worry. While it may be normal to do this, worry is NOT love. I think there is another route we could consider if we really want to be and show love. When we worry, we have left the present moment. We have leapt ahead to an outcome, the future, the unknown. I’m sure you can think of times when maybe you or someone you love had a scary diagnosis, or a job was in jeopardy, or maybe we worry about what other people will think of us, or worry about our finances. Yes, worry is as normal as apple pie – yet not productive, not helpful, and also not love. Let’s consider the benefits of worry… hmmmm…. I’m thinking… nope, can’t come up with any! Worry doesn’t really change anything in a positive way. It creates stress in ourselves and those who we spend time with. It is VERY hard on our physical self, can create headaches, tummy trouble, ulcers, all kinds of fun stuff! And if we’re worried about someone else – how does our worry benefit them?... again… I can’t come up with any benefits. It actually sends them a message that we believe the worst about the situation, something bad is about to happen. Think of a time when you went through a challenge that might cause others to worry about you. What do you remember the most about that situation in regards to how others treated you? Did you want pity? Did you want someone to feel as scared as you did? For my perspective, I wanted someone who was an uplifter to help take me out of my ruminating! Acknowledge that I'm up against something hard, but don't go down the rabbit hole with me! I need someone up there to pull me out!!! When a co-worker of mine was diagnosed with cancer several years ago, I remember vividly that she directly requested that people NOT talk about her health with her unless she brought it up. She wanted to stay OUT of worry and in the present moment as much as possible. On the surface, worry seems to be useful – I mean after all, you CARE, right?!? So let’s try this angle, think of somewhere known for caring. Maybe a hospital, maybe a church, maybe a therapist office, maybe an animal shelter?? Do the professionals in these roles worry about those in their care? Or do they show them compassion, loving-kindness, presence? Actually what they do is they stay in the moment with you. They don't worry, they comfort with being present and showing compassion. To simply be present, with someone going through something difficult – or to stay present with YOURSELF when there is a challenge, is a true gift of love. I remember very clearly when each of my parents were nearing the ends of their physical lives, my dad was in the hospital and he was rather stubborn – but a loving guy for sure. He didn’t want pity, or help, but I remember him telling me one time it would be okay to sit on the end of his bed when he was in the hospital. He wanted to know someone was there, present with him. Same kind of story with my mom. She was pretty mentally out of it in the end, yet I’ll never forget her telling me in a moment of clarity that I could lay on the bed with her while we talked. She too just wanted to know someone was there. Didn’t want worry or pity or concern, just love. Just presence and being in the moment with her. When we worry, we have left the building Elvis. We are checked out of the present moment and are in our imagination, focused on the future and focused on FEAR. Love and fear are not on the same frequency. It’s really difficult to worry and feel love at the same time. Come to think of it, it's darn near impossible to worry and do ANYTHING positive at the same time!!! And often our fear and worry really come back to making the situation about US. We worry about someone else’s challenge or what others think because we don’t know what it will mean for or about US. Again… normal, most people would never consider the idea that worrying might be about ourselves, but if you read this blog regularly – my guess is that you strive to be a bit more conscious and awake and are willing to question your thoughts and beliefs. And on top of that, we are ALL capable of reaching higher than to place the focus on ourselves. Easy to forget in the moment, yet we can all do better. So what are we to do? The key to staying out of negative emotion is to stay in the present moment. If you or someone you love is up against something tough, the path to love is to stay in the NOW. A couple of super simple things we can do that we can do anywhere, any time without even causing a scene include:
So what is the opposite of worry and fear? Love. Which looks like faith, compassion, trust, being in the present moment. If you really want to help someone you are tending to worry about – send them your light, your love, SMILE and think of what you appreciate about them. For me, I try (not always successfully) to use the example of Jesus… he looked PAST the leprosy, PAST the outer appearance, PAST the labels others put on people and saw the LIGHT in them instead, and it melted away their disease and troubles. So I figure if I shine MY OWN light in the midst of things that are tempting to worry about, then I invite those that are in the midst of their own challenges to shine theirs as well, which is the best gift I can give. A shared effort to rise above the appearance of conditions or circumstances. Being present doesn’t necessarily mean you are physically in the same location with another person. We all know people in our lives that are extremely present when we talk to them, even if it’s on the phone. To do this we will have to stop, get in the moment and stop doing fifty other things. We talked all last week in this blog and on the Double X Factor show about decluttering our lives. Being present means you make space for the other person or for yourself. Making space and being present is an act of compassion and love and it will take some practice! So my advice… don’t wait till something pops up to activate your worry mode, start practicing presence and compassion now! When you’re in the heat of the moment is definitely NOT the time to start practicing! Make some space to appreciate, love and be where you are… it is soooooo much better for everyone than worry. XOXOXOXO Sandy P.S... In addition to submitting this blog on an irregular basis, I also do a short radio show on a regular basis (Monday thru Friday each week) with my friend and co-host Spencer Williams. All this week we are going to dive into the topic of WORRY! You can listen and see if what we have learned can be of any help to fellow seekers on their own paths. I will post links to these short 3 minute bolsters of upliftment on my Facebook page and there will be more on the topic of worry – you can listen any time. We all have varying degrees of clutter in our lives…. Could be a counter top that becomes a catch all. Could be that scary junk drawer no one ever organizes. Could feel like it’s our entire living space. And it can also be in our inner lives. It can show up as unexpressed or repressed emotions that clog up our psyche. It could show us as grudges, judgement, anger. Clutter is something all of us have in some form. And often when we have clutter with stuff externally – it is a signal that we have some inner decluttering that we would benefit from. One of the most powerful ways of connecting with ourselves and knowing our truth and our reality is to tune into is our body. Yet very few people do this. I admit, I'm not the greatest at paying attention to this super amazing message system we all have. Our bodies don’t like it when we have inner clutter. They will voice their displeasure at our stacking up of less than loving thoughts with messages. If we ignore these messages and pleas from our body to get back to loving ourselves and declutter the stinkin’ thinkin’, that’s okay, the messages will just get louder. I remember many years ago hearing Oprah with this quote: When we have too much inner clutter, like negative mental chatter, approval seeking, hateful thoughts about our appearance, judgement, fear, negative stuff - it can drown out the messages from our uber wise bodies. So sometimes our body turns up the volume on it's messages to please get back to loving our selves with pain, illness, and anything it thinks might get our attention. Clutter guru Peter Walsh says very simply that clutter is ANYTHING that stands between you and the life you want to be living. Just like clutter in the junk drawer, internal clutter can stack up and sit around in our soul, our mind, our heart for so long that we no longer notice that it’s even there. It becomes invisible to us, yet its effects on our relationships, our self-care, and living the life we desire all take a toll when we become numb to the inner clutter. When we take things on and hold on to them internally as well as externally, it robs us of energy. Clutter makes it more difficult to move forward in our lives. It takes up space, time and wears us down trying to work around it. It’s constantly “talking to us” by just sitting around, taking up valuable space that could be given to what you WANT in your life. We hang on to clothes that no longer fit, perhaps we’ll get back in them someday – right? We hang on to things we don’t use or even like sometimes because “you just never know when I’ll need that!” This is based in scarcity, fear and a bit of hanging on to the past. If this is your pattern – ask yourself where else in my life am I hanging on to the past? Where else do I have a scarcity or fearful mindset? Here is the cool thing about looking at where and how you hang on to clutter – it reveals something about your inner life that is valuable for you to know. If addressed and questioned, it can set you FREE! The important thing is to not jump to judgement when taking a look at the clutter in your life. Just NOTICE. What can you learn from it? Simply observing without jumping to judgement is a way out of inner clutter. Just as we do in our material stuff, we must make some space internally as Brene’ Brown points out. Stillness, meditation, reflection time all create space in our soul so that we can open it up. If the thought of meditation makes you want to skip ahead in this chat, let me offer up something that I recently read from Danielle LaPorte that caused me to feel completely different about this idea. ANYTHING where you get some alone time, can be a contemplative practice. Sitting with a cup of coffee in silence in the morning counts as a contemplative practice if we get quiet and not focused on our to-do list for a minute or two – THIS creates space for our lives to open up and declutter. Even taking a 30 second break to just take a few deep breaths, this clears up space in our inner world and helps reduce the clutter in our minds. I’ve said it many times, we all have stuff. Stuff that clogs up our path to happiness, fulfillment, connection. If we can just be willing to clear out one junk drawer in our physical space, I can almost guarantee you that it will also clear up some inner space for you. Tosha Silver suggests setting an intention that when the drawer is cleared up, that you will be cleared up also. It may seem like a stretch, that if you organize a bit in your outer world that it will also clear out some clutter of your inner world. I’ve seen it work many times for people I’ve suggested it to, as well as for myself. We must have a vision for what it is we WANT in our lives though. If you want freedom, connection, love, passion, or whatever is on your wish list – you have to make space for it. When we are all cluttered up with old junk, there’s no way it can get in. Want a better relationship? You gotta have a vision for what you want it to look like in order clear out the clutter of what it has looked like in the past. I'd invite you to do what Tony Robbins has you do in his immersion seminars - sit down and write out what your relationship vision is. This is a total clutter buster! When you have a vision for what you want, it gets a lot of junk out of the way so you can get there. What can you let go of this week? Which junk drawer will you clean up and organize? What will you decide to no longer be numb to in your life and continue to over-look? And most importantly, what do you want to make space for in your life? XOXOXOX Sandy P.S. In addition to submitting this blog on an irregular basis, I also do a short radio show on a regular basis (Monday thru Friday each week) with my friend and co-host Spencer Williams. All this week we are going to dive into the topic of decluttering your life and see if what we have learned can be of any help to fellow seekers on their own paths. I will post links to these short 3 minute bolsters of upliftment on my Facebook page and there will be more tips on decluttering – you can listen any time. I’ve written blogs about how other people are our mirrors. I still believe this to be true in many, many ways. We are often most upset by the things in others that we haven’t yet healed in ourselves. AND! Sometimes someone is in our life to give us an opportunity to learn how to deal with the behavior they are throwing at us. More AH-HA’s this week in reading Danielle LaPorte’s latest book “White Hot Truth”. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve had people come through my life who could be certifiably considered to be jerk-faces. I’ve spent plenty of time kicking my own backside, thinking that I too must be a said “jerk-face” in some way, since I am attracting this personality and it’s behaviors into my path. I would amp up my compassion, grace, or often… get totally red-head, on fire angry at these people for behaving in ways that seemed cruel, hurtful and crappy towards me. That last option always felt better than the first one, but the relief is temporary! As Danielle says, we take a lot of crap in the name of being spiritual. That has been my go-to mindset in these situations for as long as I can remember. I would tell myself that I am trying to be loving, open, and mindful and that tolerance is the answer to this person being less than their best self with me. I’d make excuses for the other person’s behavior, try to be understanding, try to “fix” it. This, my friends, sounds amazingly like the description of codependency, basically because that’s exactly what it is. I’m just going to quote Danielle on this next part, because it’s totally right-on. “But if we’re operating from our real power, rooted in our self-Love and respect, we’d steer clear of people who obviously aren’t going to meet our most important needs. We would avoid taking on relationships as “projects” and instead seek relationships centered around growing together.” So we’d focus on having a shared purpose of our relationship that helps us both become our best selves in ways we couldn’t do that on our own, rather than blaming, defending, judging, fixing, and taking it all so dang personally IF we were standing in our own light. As someone with pretty hefty codependent patterns, I have done some (code for loads and loads of) research on how to bust those patterns and one thing that I find in all the research is also echoed in Danielle’s findings. Those who are super empathetic, trying to be spiritual and become over tolerant attract a certain type of person like a magnet…. Narcissists. It’s a match made in heaven! A person who is all about making it okay for others and a person who is all about making it okay for themselves – wha-la! The perfect laboratory for learning. Now narcissism is a clinical term and there are certainly varying degrees of it. We all have some degree of narcissism to be sure and there are actually healthy levels of narcissism, like our need to be validated, respected, heard, etc… I remember when I asked my counselor Joy about this topic she said “Narcissism is about surviving.” In spite of how it appears, narcissism is about low self-worth. At their core, both codependent and narcissistic tendency people share a common thread. Fear. They fear abandonment, not being enough, not being loved, and they fear dealing with their own true feelings. If you noticed the “continuum of self” graphic up above, you see that over focus on others or over focus on self both lead to increased pain and lead away from being healthy. Everyone comes into our lives to teach us something about OURSELVES. Sometimes it’s to show us a part of ourselves that we have disowned. Sometimes it’s to show us something we need to heal in ourselves. And sometimes it’s to give us the gift of learning to love ourselves enough to NOT tolerate their behavior towards us. Yes. By all means, love IS forgiving and if you aren’t loving yourself you may find that you attract people into your life to help you learn how to do it. It might be that you have to forgive YOURSELF enough to say “I’ve had enough”. It’s another paradox of the divine path… Love with an open heart and have boundaries to protect it. “Not only do we hurt ourselves by tolerating demeaning treatment or aggression, we also feed the other person’s monster. Being compassionate of yourself by not accepting poor behavior offers the other person involved the opportunity to look at themselves. It’s their choice to use that information to get closer to their Soul, or not.” Boundaries are something most of us struggle with, especially when you are on a mission to be loving, spiritual, and joy focused – so basically ALL of us struggle with boundaries! The thing that most don't realize is that boundaries are not for the other person, they are for YOU. It’s another paradox: boundaries make it possible for you to love even more openly. If you aren’t sure where to start in finding your boundaries, listen to your body. It knows and is sending you messages all the time when you are in need of a stronger boundary. It’s weird, but boundaries show people how to get close to you. The most straight forward definition of codependency I can find is from Dr. Darlene Lancer: “It is, at its core, to lose yourself” People with healthy emotional boundaries don’t lose themselves in intimate relationships. Poor emotional boundaries can cause you to feel responsible for and at times even guilty about someone else’s problem or negative feelings. When your locus of control is others – it makes you easy to manipulate. So here is a little litmus test you can run next time you are faced with someone being a jerk-face toward you… before you respond ask yourself “Am I coming from love or fear right now?” Love COULD mean that you disengage, draw the line, tell them this isn’t working for you. Fear might be that you try to “fix” it for them because you are fearful of the conflict, or the outcome, or jeopardizing the relationship, or the repercussions (clean-up). The love response isn’t just about THEM, you must include yourself in the love equation. If you find yourself wondering “Why in the hell did I let someone treat me like that?” you know there’s a gift in their behavior for you. Sure, it could be they are being a mirror for you to see yourself in their crappy behaviour – but if you read this blog regularly, my guess is that their behavior is for you in another way. It may be that you need to love yourself enough to have a boundary when a bona fide jerk-face shows up on your path. Being tolerant is a beautiful thing to offer another person, unless it is coming from a place of our own feelings of unworthiness or thinking there is something “wrong” with us. That’s when it crosses over into things like codependency and unhealthy thoughts about ourselves. It will pretty much always go sideways on you when this is where your tolerance is emanating from. It's really difficult to remember when you are in the midst of a tough interaction with another person, but their behavior is really never about you. People will blame you, people will judge you, people will love you and none of any of has anything to do with you really. It's about them and their experience - over which you have absolutely no control. That doesn't mean you can't care about this person, you can choose to love them, hear them, and not take it on when they trash you. We don’t have to “earn” better treatment. The only time we think this thought is when we don’t value OURSELVES. Seems to me that we often tolerate the same level of treatment from others that we tolerate from ourselves. We talk horribly to ourselves, so when someone else does it, we go along since it’s what we think we “deserve”. So maybe the first boundary we need to set is with ourselves, how we talk to ourselves. Start out with not being willing to take any more nasty remarks from your inner gremlin. Sixty seconds might be a good goal at first! Then just keep going and string some minutes together. Once we can do this with ourselves, telling the jerk-face who shows up: “I love you and this isn’t working for me” will come through easily for you. XOXOXOXOX Sandy I’m reading the new book from Danielle LePorte, “White Hot Truth”. It’s super good and has really provoked some thoughts for me. In it, there is a chapter on how wisdom happens paradoxically. She refers to it as “Rock your paradox”. I had to look up some definitions just to fully wrap my head around it…. Paradox: A seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or position that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true. Synonyms: inconsistency, contradiction, incongruity. Well then! This seems like something that happens for me on a daily basis!!! Danielle talks about getting curious. If we’re not questioning, we’re not growing. “Questioning is the bloodstream of your own spirituality. The more curious you are about how life works, the more present you will be in your life.” We ALL have things we used to believe were true that when we think about them now they seem ridiculous! I used to think that when I sat for long periods of time that I could physically feel my butt getting bigger – for real! Geez. It takes a lot of courage to change our own beliefs, because to get curious about them will often change our lives. Questioning our self-limiting beliefs is really what coaching and therapy are all about. Intellectually, I don’t believe that there is only one way of being in the world. I try to focus on what is TRUE for me versus right/wrong, good/bad. And truth is not absolute or fixed because we are all viewing life through the lenses of our own experience. Even with this belief I hold, I find I can easily be pulled into feeling guilt or worry or shame when I think I might be doing that seems counter to what I’ve “preached”. I worry that others will think Well! That’s not what you’ve always said before! So being willing to look at yourself and be open to change will require some inner compassion when you come up against those who want things to stay the way they have always been. The thing is, we grow in some areas and may be completely stuck in others. To be human is to be a contradiction. Most of the time, we just don’t own it, or even see it. We can be tough in some situations and melt in vulnerability in others. Professional or tough in business and then talk like a goof-ball when we see our dog. We are ALL these parts of ourselves – even the dark places. Yes, we all have dark places whether we own them or not. I decided to check out a few other sages on the topic of pardox to see what they had to offer…
So here is what this look at paradox and how it is ties to wisdom says to me… Changing your mind, your beliefs, and your view on the world doesn’t make you a hypocrite. It makes you a human who is growing, getting curious, is open to questioning your own stance and not thinking you have it all figured out. Being Authentic means you will be a paradox. As Danielle suggests, we must -Be open hearted AND have strong boundaries -Be understanding AND don’t take any crap. -Have strong preferences AND be easy to please. and this one below is my personal favorite! To realize we’re not “wrong” for breaking our own “rules” sometimes, will lift our guilt, set us free and make us more available to love others as well as ourselves. A black & white world seems cleaner and more straight forward, yet that’s not what we live in. To try and make it that way can certainly end up making us more controlling, judgmental, and blaming and it will stunt our own growth and shrink our world by creating divisiveness and superiority. If my overall mission in life is to increase my capacity for joy and love (both giving it and receiving it), then I’m going to have to get curious and question things that are proclaimed “right or wrong good or bad” and even EMBRACE my own contradictions. “The truth is never black & white – it’s encompassing, It’s BOTH.” Wisdom: the ability to apply relevant knowledge in an insightful way, especially to different situations from that in which the knowledge was gained. Wisdom is the ability to learn from change.
We humans just don’t always make sense! We might believe something wholeheartedly today and learn something that causes us to do a 180 degree turn tomorrow. That does not make us “bad” or “wrong”, it means we are evolving, changing, growing. Danielle and many other wise sages say the same thing… transformation begins with the radical acceptance of what is. That is indeed a sacred paradox. Self-love, self-acceptance – as you are RIGHT THIS MINUTE is the key to change. Wow. This changes everything... and nothing at all. XOXOXOXOX Sandy We’d been hiking about 3 or 4 hours in the Drakensburg Mountains in South Africa. “The Amphitheater Climb” is an amazing route and fairly challenging, especially for a chick not used to altitude. It was then that we arrived at “THE CHAINS”. It was probably a good thing that I didn’t know that beyond the first ladder that I could see, there was a second one about the same size, that took you to the top of the Sentinel. No, there are no harnesses. You do it on your own power, no safety checks. It's the real deal. I was a bit intimidated when I saw the look of the thing, but I knew I was going to do it – no question. It was a strange calm knowing I had, as some of the members of our group decided at that point they’d had enough and weren’t going up – understandably so! On this trip I was traveling with ten of my very dear friends who I love. What I didn’t know prior to our trip was that some of them have a fairly profound fear of heights. We ALL have fears. In fact I did a quick check and there are well over 100 types of recognized fears and phobias. It struck me that what sometimes brings up a strong fear for some of us, doesn’t faze others in any way. We each have our own dragons to slay and we aren’t always understanding of other people’s dragons, yet there is a lot to be learned from watching others work through theirs. As I watched my courageous friend face her fear of heights on this hike with sheer drop offs, narrow winding paths that at the BASE is over 8,000 feet on the side of a cliff, I was so incredibly proud of her! She would gather up her bravery, hold on to the side of the mountain and inch her way through her fear over and over again. This image, of her continuing and pushing through, is forever burned in my mind and heart. In the days that followed, it dawned on me that her inching forward – even though it scared the living hell out of her – is much like any Spiritual path (and we’re all on a Spiritual path, whether we recognize it or not). We're sometimes moving along and feeling okay and at other times, we hunker down and just try to make it a few inches forward, hanging on for dear life. My personal journey has moved at a slower pace than I would have liked the past couple of years. I have chastised myself from time to time… “Shouldn’t I have this figured out by now?” kinds of thoughts, which just slow the whole thing down that much more. “Shoulds” are shame based and shame stunts our growth. Just like my friend, at times I have nearly shut down, thought about turning around and going back, felt so damned scared I thought I would die. She inspired me with both her courage AND her fear. I felt love and compassion for her as she would slow down and panic a bit. Yet on my own “path” I’ve not always extended myself that same love, appreciation or grace. I feel appreciation is the magic formula that has been missing in my transformation. As Mairanne Williamson says, the only thing lacking in any situation is what YOU are not giving. I have not been giving myself much appreciation for my movement forward and the difficult parts of the "climb" that I have faced. When I climbed “The Chains”, something sort of shifted in me. The combination of accomplishing a physical and mental challenge, along with the image of my dear, brave friend showed me that the root of what holds us all back is fear. Fear isn’t “wrong”! It serves a important purpose to protect us from harm. Fear like all emotions is simply information and it’s a choice as to whether we will let that information run the show in our lives or not. In his new book, Tony Robbins reiterates what many wise people teach… “we cannot control circumstances, other people, events – but we can control what they mean to us." It’s the meanings we put on things that causes not only our fear, but also our suffering. I’d say my friend decided that the challenge of the hike meant opportunity. Perhaps that’s how she pushed on – not wanting fear to be in charge of her. At one point we came to a challenging transition up a rock face and our guide came to help her. She said to him “How in the hell am I going to get back?!?” His advice was pretty profound… “Right now we focus on the going up, not the going back”. Fear is what has tripped me up many times in life. I’m sure you can probably give an “AMEN” to that for yourself as well. Fear of what others think, fear of getting it “wrong”, fear of not being enough or being too much for other people, fear of all kinds of things we have zero control over. The kryptonite to fear is love and appreciation… the two most powerful forces in the Universe. All you have to do is look for something to appreciate. You can’t worry and feel appreciation at the same time. You can’t feel fear and appreciation at the same time. Appreciation puts those negative thoughts to sleep as you focus on it. And if you can’t bring yourself to find something to appreciate about a current challenging condition, focus your appreciation on something unrelated! It’s THAT powerful!!! The climb up (and down) “The Chains” unlocked a big piece of the hold that fear has had on me. I realized I don’t have anything to fear. Moving forward may not always be as fast as I’d like or it may not appear pretty, but, I’m doing it! Just like my friend who pushed herself to get uncomfortable and go forward, it doesn’t mean that fear won’t show up, but my relationship with it will be different if I love and appreciate myself. When I have, as Danielle LePorte calls it, “deep positivity” that no matter what, I will be okay, then fear takes a back seat instead of trying to grab the wheel of my life. Another very dear friend of mine has repeated the same three mantras to me over and over again in the past couple of years. These really do sum it all up on the path to standing in our own light…
2. Don’t judge yourself – Drop the judgment and the “shoulds”. In fact, shine a light on those things that you think you “should” be ashamed of – the dark places we all have. Celebrate and accept your “flaws” and make a trophy of what you fear. Shame cannot survive in the light. 3. So? – Even if your worst fear happens, so? You’re going to be okay. Ask “Is it true?”, do The Work on your fearful thought. Also under this category #3, make sure you’re not taking responsibility for something that doesn’t belong to you. I'm just sayin'. Fear is simply a message. Trying to tell you something about yourself that needs healing. Just like The Chains, sometimes things that look pretty daunting at first, turn out to be just what you need to move to the next level in your life. Love and appreciate yourself and find that deep knowing that no matter what happens, you’re going to be okay. The Universe has your back! It will change everything and a whole new amazing view of the world will open up for you. I've seen it, and it's incredible! XOXOXOX Sandy Codependency. It’s a word you may have heard, been labeled with, labeled others with, felt shame about or never heard of. In my estimation, ALL relationships have some amount of codependency in them. Just like anything else, the level at which it runs the show determines if it is dysfunctional or not! I first read about this idea back in the 90’s after my divorce from my first husband. Melody Beattie authored the book “Codependent No More” and after reading it, I was pretty clear that I had a large dose of this element in my romantic relationship life. What’s so interesting to me is that I really couldn’t see it because I thought myself to be super strong, assertive, not afraid to speak my mind, bold, extroverted… in all areas of my life, except in my romantic relationships. It seemed my codependent tendency mostly only surfaced in this one area. At least that's the only area I could see it clearly at play. When that marriage ended and when another relationship that followed sort of seemed to be going sideways, I dove in (like I always do) reading, researching, learning digging for what I needed to rewire in myself to change this pattern. I had myself convinced that I had conquered it back then, and I sort of did. So I stopped being so diligent about re-programming myself. Slowly but surely, my old pattern crept back in until I was back at a TEN on the codependency meter in my second marriage. So what exactly is the definition of codependency? From the book “Codependency For Dummies”, there are several who give definitions of what it is, but here is what seems most right on from my perspective: At its core, codependency is a loss of self. In this type of relationship, in order to be acceptable to others and themselves, they hide who they are and even become who they aren’t in the relationship. They put aside what they need and feel and try to control what they can’t – the feelings and thoughts of the other person or people in the relationship. Yup. That sounds like it to me! There is a huge fear of rejection that is at play in this deal. You end up feeling drained and trapped and it’s all at your own doing. Self-abandonment is what it comes down to. Adapting and reacting to other’s behavior in order to cope instead of tuning into their own internal knowing and feeling their feelings, this is the pattern. Recovery IS possible! It happens when you begin to practice non-attachment and grasp that you’re powerlessness over others. As your focus shifts away from things outside yourself as being your source of happiness, you no longer have a desperate need to rescue, control, or be a victim. In non-attachment you love and let go. Giving others the dignity to be responsible for themselves while taking responsibility for yourself. Codependency It isn’t care giving. Care GIVING comes from love & abundance. It more like care TAKING, which comes from need and lack. “Caretakers operate from the belief that "I am responsible for your feelings. When I do it right, you will be happy and then I will receive the approval I need." Caretakers sacrifice their own needs and wants to take care of the needs and wants of others, even when others are capable of doing it themselves. Care takers give to others from fear rather than love - they give to get.” A big element that is lacking in codependent relationships is boundaries, because boundaries are an expression of self-esteem. Poor emotional boundaries can cause you to feel responsible for other people’s emotions, thoughts and feelings. Codependents spend so much energy trying to manage how others feel, that they sort of lose touch with how THEY feel. Learning to feel your own feelings rather than attempting to manage how others feel - sounds super simple, but for those who have abandoned themselves, it's some heavy lifting. For me, my go-to ways to side-step my own feelings is to: a.) Get in my head and try to reason rather than feel. I'll read 250 self-help books, take a class on psychology, go to a relationship seminar, etc...and try to armor up by thinking my way through what's happening. I tend to take my heart out of the process a lot of the time. And additionally get super focused on the other person's feelings and trying to manage them. And: b.) blame the other person rather than focus on what I'm needing or feeling. I'm so busy pointing out all the short-comings of the other person, I conveniently don't have time to take a look at my OWN part in the equation. Not always - I also spend a good amount of energy kicking my own butt and judging myself harshly. Neither of these tactics is the path of least resistance. So, what’s the answer? I’m no psychiatrist, but what I’ve noticed works is when I fill myself with love to overflowing and focus on being happy, loving, and finding it within myself, everything seems to fall into place. Instead of NEEDING love, approval, acceptance – I just BE it. Then I take my power back to create my own experience. Taking my foot off the gas of the blame/judgement train and just loving both the other person and myself always feels like peace. When we are open to learning and taking 100% responsibility for our own side of the street, THEN we can have a healthy relationship. Each person takes responsibility for their own happiness, joy, behavior, thoughts and feelings – YOU OWN YOUR OWN STUFF. No blaming, no being a victim, no believing that others are causing your feelings or your experience. I love this quote from Dr. Margaret Paul… “Your feelings come from how you treat yourself and others, from what you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself and others, rather than from others behavior. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to major relationship problems.” It’s pretty simple really… Love yourself. Own your s#@t. No blaming. I know from my own experience, that when I focus on my own lessons, my own responsibility in how I feel, without crossing the line into blaming and judging myself, things unfold beautifully. Instead of judging myself that I should have things figured out by now - being kind to myself and tell myself that "I am right on track. I'm figuring things out. I'm on my path." Once you do this, THEN you actually have something to offer another person in a relationship. You’re not giving to get, you’re giving because it’s what you ARE. You BE what it is you desire in a relationship. According to the graphic above, some days it feels like I'm not even out of the starting blocks. Then at times when I'm relentlessly kicking my own back-side, it feels like I'm "stuck", I can't seem to see any progress, just the same tired pattern in repeat. Yet I have actually seen glimpses of blaming no one. WOW. What an amazing feeling it is!!! I'm really not sure I can do it justice in an attempt to describe it here. It feels like freedom, peace, joy, ease & love all tied up with a big 'ol bow. My goal is a favorite quote of mine by Esther/Abraham Hicks goes like this... "Tell everyone you know: "My happiness depends on me, so you're off the hook." And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they're doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel -- and then, you'll love them all. Because the only reason you don't love them, is because you're using them as your excuse to not feel good." I think I'll make this the mantra of my codependency recovery process!!! NOTE! Sandy Chat is going to take a short break. I’ll probably see you back here next month sometime. Until then, you can listen to the 3 minute show I do with Spencer Williams on KMA every week Monday through Friday by clicking here. In the next few weeks Spencer and I will have some topics you might find interesting… Week of April 17th – Deeming Yourself Responsible For Other’s Happiness (a.k.a. codependency!) Week of April 24th – Boundaries! Week of May 1st – Is it true? Week of May 8th - BE what you seek Until then, XOXOXOXOXOXO Sandy Do you remember Superman and how he had the power to laser focus his eyes to cut through steel or rock or anything in order to save the world? All he had to do was aim what he was focusing on and his eyes could open up or cut through anything and everything that was in his way. You have this same power! You may not be able to see the laser beams shooting out of your eyeballs, but you have the power to intend, shape and create your life by focusing the aim of your thoughts and feelings. A cool person I know, Amy, recently recommended a book to me called E2. It’s a book by Pam Grout that has nine experiments you can easily do yourself to prove that your thoughts create your reality. Over the past few weeks, I have been taking our sales force through these clear demonstrations that our thoughts and feelings have HUGE power. Most recently we did one of the experiments that involves growing some green bean seeds in egg cartons. The idea is that with nothing more than your intentional thoughts, positive vibes, attention – that you can influence the physical world. So we all planted our seeds together at the same time, then each of us set our intention for the seeds on the left side of the carton to grow faster than the ones on the right. After ten days, here is what was happening… Crazy huh? So if we can create by aiming our thoughts and feelings, perhaps we should be a little more mindful of what we are focusing on!!! There are also experiments you can do at home with rice like in this Youtube video. Demonstrating that your thoughts and intentions have incredible power. So while there may very well be conditions and circumstances outside of you that impact your experience, if you get deliberate about YOUR part in those conditions and circumstances – you take your power back. THIS is your superhero power my friend!!! Tracy McMillan is a cool author that I follow and she posts some really well written food for thought. I can’t say it any better than this recent post she made on this subject: Your mind is a force. One way to think of it is like one of those practice machines in tennis -- where neon yellow balls of energy (THOUGHTS) are being generated constantly and come bursting forth in a steady (or not so steady) stream. You have choices about how you respond to these balls: you can hit them back, let them go, or run after them wildly even when you should totally just let go over the fence. Complicating matters is the fact that every "thought" tennis ball that pops out of the machine potentially creates more tennis balls, called FEELINGS. So where am I going with this? Well, basically the law of attraction is the idea that when you add together the thoughts + the feelings you start CREATING. And the thing about creating is this: it happens whether you are adding positive thoughts to positive feelings, or negative thoughts and negative feelings. The "law" doesn't care whether you're a good person or not -- (although good people do tend to have more positive thoughts and feelings) -- if you add a powerful thought to a powerful feeling, you will in all likelihood create it. If you can accept this far-reaching idea -- that your life isn't happening to you, it's something you're creating through your thoughts + feelings -- not only do you start to feel some real mastery over your life, you also start to get real intentional with everything you say, do, and nurture within your mind and body. This is true power. So here are my suggestions for you to consider as you learn to harness your superhero power:
To funnel it down, you gotta focus on what you WANT. Your thoughts and feelings are CREATING your life – so choose good ones, choose thoughts that match what you want in your life. You can’t get to abundance by focusing on lack. It’s about just keep bringing yourself back up out of the ditch and onto the road to where you want to go. Let me be clear, you won’t be able to be there all the time. So know that going in. Some days your aim will be off and you’ll be off in the ditch. My counselor Joy has been so patient with me on this one. She just keeps repeating “Just reach for the best feeling thought that you can from where you are.” You likely can’t go from feeling depressed to full out joy in one giant leap emotionally, although miracles DO happen. A miracle is simply a shift in perception from fear to love. Blaming, criticizing, complaining, judging, comparing, all can be fun sometimes and make us feel justified or "superior" . But unless you want MORE things to blame, criticize, complain about, judge, or feel less than about – I’d suggest you clean up your aim on your thoughts and feelings toward what you WANT. Also check in on what your thoughts and feelings are that you are aiming at yourself. Are you fault finding? Criticizing? Thinking you’re not enough? All those thoughts and feelings are creating MORE conditions that will keep you right there in that victim role. Our thought patterns are just habits, things we’ve thought over and over again until it’s like a well-worn rut. This is actually great news because it means we have the power to change it if we WANT to. For me, if with just a little use of my attention and setting an intention for some green bean seeds and it works – just imagine what I could do if I got deliberate with my creative powers on a bigger scale! You can do this too! We all can! Here is a really simple way to do it… just love and appreciate. Aim your superhero power in the direction of love and appreciation. Send love and appreciation to yourself, to others, to the circumstances, to the food you eat, to everything! I love you. Thank you. XOXOXOXOXO Sandy P.S... Have you seen the amazing t.v. ads for Layne Bryant? Apparently, they caused a stir a few months ago. I just recently stumbled upon them and I am IN LOVE with them! Here's a link to my favorite - NOTE! These beautiful models are dressed provocatively so know that going in. Enjoy! |
Sandy Edie HansenI use this space to "Chat" about things I am working through and learning in my life currently. Join me! Archives
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