Self-abandonment Just Guarantees You're Alone Either Way

Oooofff. This subject is the motherload for me. I could go into a long outline of how fear of abandonment has been a long-term survival strategy in my life. It actually makes total sense that my nervous system would come to connect being alone or left with overwhelming fear. Yet, that's not the most interesting part of the story.
 
While I love a good paradox, my nervous system devised a strategy to deal with this fear that is so paradoxical it's almost imperceptible...
Pre-emptively abandon MYSELF, that way the bond might hold with the other person.
 
My nervous system learned:
•make my needs negotiable
•my truth - optional
•my aliveness is dangerous
•preserve the bond thru self-suppression
 
Shut off of parts of myself in the belief that it's in service to the relationship. But, it's not. Those parts are still there and like a toddler tugging at your hem asking for attention, & they don't stop tugging, they get louder.
 
Shut off the parts long enough and all your feelings end up being switched off. You can barely connect with what your own needs or wants are any more.
 
Self-abandonment does not prevent others from abandoning you. It just guarantees that you're alone either way.
 
You can do everything in your power to be there, contribute to, support another person while setting your own fears and needs aside, and they may still leave you. So you were alone in the relationship in your efforts, and still alone when they withdrew.
 
It's this crazy-making deal, you seem to create what you defend against. You were twisting yourself into uncomfortable shapes to prevent them from leaving you, and that strategy backfires. Ironically, this strategy can still lead to disconnection. Not only from the other person, but most of all, from yourself. Ugh.
 
So, my deep, abiding fear of abandonment kind of ran unnoticed in the background and as long as I stayed focused on my efforts to be liked, valued, and prevent the loss of the connection, I didn't have to look at how I was running on fear.
 
I don’t have this figured out by any means yet. I’m trying to stay aware of my pattern of leaving myself to avoid disappointment in another person.
 
I don’t need more confidence or better communication skills. I need more capacity—the capacity to tolerate someone else’s disappointment, withdrawal, or disapproval without disappearing from myself. I’m not conflict-averse. I’m afraid of losing the bond by showing all of me.
 
Survival skills are developed for a good reason. They just outlived their usefulness and need to be retired. I'll let you know what I find on this path up ahead.
 
I don’t know yet what it looks like to stay with myself when the bond feels threatened. But I know now that leaving myself is no longer the solution.

XOXOXO
​Sandy