Internal Weather

Winter in Iowa. Weather gets talked about a LOT. It gets our attention. 

Each of us also walks around with our own internal weather systems via our emotional state. This too gets our attention. And when "bad weather" rolls in, internally, we can give this too much of our attention in ourselves and in others. We can find ourselves outsourcing our own internal wx to other people's mood.

Ugh. Guilty. My discomfort with someone else's emotional weather has equaled "assignment" in my own nervous system, maybe most of my life.

This can be positive in some ways. It means I'm not afraid to have a hard conversation, to lead, to negotiate.

The down side - some people can't metabolize this kind of approach. They may be locked into bitterness, or contempt, or judgement and my attempt to talk with them about how their internal weather systems is impacting me, or their own life, will simply give them an added grievance.

So,  what to do?

Internal boundaries around energy and attention.

This means:
•Don't contort myself in the presence of contempt.
•Don't personalize their energy.
•Remain kind, and unhooked.

Being in proximity to the energy of contempt is rough. Their "feels like temperature" is painful to be around. Relationship research (like the Gottmans’ work) shows contempt to be the most corrosive emotional climate. You don’t need to diagnose it to know when you’re standing in it.

While we cannot know anyone's internal state for sure, we can know it's impact on us. Other people's internal weather can impact us just like the weather in nature. If we are going to be in the presence of a cold, rough emotional system, put on your "coat" with internal boundaries.

Bottom line:
You don't have to reject people to protect yourself from their internal weather.
You don’t have to diagnose it, fix it, or confront it.

But you do have to stop outsourcing your sense of steadiness to it.

Other people’s moods are not data about you.
They are information about them.

Decentering is not withdrawal.
It’s stewardship.

And choosing where your attention lives may be one of the most self-respecting, self-leadership moves you ever make.

XOXOXO
​Sandy